Worries and Happiness

A very good friend of mine kindly gave me some advice, since he was afraid that I might suffer from the melancholic feelings of “being unable to take a high post, but unwilling to take a lower one” (my translation of the Chinese saying “高不成、低不就”). His worries are very sensible, as I sometimes appeared to be cynical when discussing things about human life and philosophy — I spoke in a strong tone, and I showed my disagreement in one way or another when I disagreed with him or with others. In response, I said to him that I might sometimes suffer from those melancholic feelings, but on closer introspection later, I could not remember when I suffered from them, although my character has many other weaknesses that I would be abashed to discuss here.

I do have other worries, one of which is about my father: I fear that he would become long-term sick or even terminally ill, for if that happened he would probably be very pessimistic, and I would not be able to afford the medical expenses. As he is getting older and older and I was not able to purchase medical insurance for him, that worry has become a spectre in my mind. Other worries are much less disturbing; after all, I have learnt from some difficult years of my childhood not to worry too much about my future (though I should think a lot about it). My happiness, I think, is mainly based on these things: human relationships, aesthetic experiences, freedom and leisure, the pursuit of knowledge, and some simple satisfaction of desires. Money and fame may not bring happiness — for me, this cannot be just losers’ logic. Yet because of boredom and vanity, that has been treated by most of us to be a mere commonplace. (First draft: December 27)